There’s an “unconditional love and tolerance for all” ideal in the Pagan community at large. Our internal culture welcomes those who have been rejected by more mainstream groups. Sometimes this bites us in the butt, as people are unwilling to point out inappropriate behavior in a polite, direct manner one-on-one, early on. We tend to forget that a good percentage of newbies are coming in with some serious baggage, and we don’t allow for that transitional phase where they’re going to potentially make some big social blunders. It’s a learning curve that can be done in a positive way, yet still firmly with no wiggle room. Also, individuals can have some wildly different social boundaries of what they will tolerate or not. A newbie needs guidance on how to navigate the waters of an internal social structure that really doesn’t have a common set of boundaries.
Pagans are also notoriously more open about relationship structures; for someone coming in blind, from our generally conservative mainstream with more defined relationship rules, we’re a minefield. I believe we all should be firm as to our own personal boundaries up front, so a new person doesn’t get in a fix with all the mixed signals.
I believe that newbies entering ANY new social structure, especially religious or spiritually related, are coming into it with the idea that they want to fit in but have no idea what they’re dealing with yet. They’re going to be very self-conscious, self-judgmental, etc. Being hypersensitive about not wanting to misstep often leads to exactly that. Those of us with children understand this even more; any kid who knows they are in a situation where they need to “be on their best behavior” inevitably ends up at some point dropping/breaking something, or otherwise creating for themselves a socially embarrassing incident. It’s up to us, in the role of those comfortable with the environment, to gently but firmly help others overcome and do better while not treading on their dignity or self-respect.
This doesn’t mean that the “unconditional love and tolerance for all” is in play; if someone is truly a jerk or an actual danger to the community, it should be addressed. But it needs to be done in a way that does not end up ostracizing a good person based on personal bias. You are NOT required to like or accept everyone, even if they are in the same social community; just be astute about how you handle it.
