Paganism and Social Awkwardness

Here’s my take on why the Pagan community seems to attract socially awkward people.

There’s an “unconditional love and tolerance for all” ideal in the Pagan community at large. Our internal culture welcomes those who have been rejected by more mainstream groups. Sometimes this bites us in the butt, as people are unwilling to point out inappropriate behavior in a polite, direct manner one-on-one, early on. We tend to forget that a good percentage of newbies are coming in with some serious baggage, and we don’t allow for that transitional phase where they’re going to potentially make some big social blunders. It’s a learning curve that can be done in a positive way, yet still firmly with no wiggle room. Also, individuals can have some wildly different social boundaries of what they will tolerate or not. A newbie needs guidance on how to navigate the waters of an internal social structure that really doesn’t have a common set of boundaries.

Pagans are also notoriously more open about relationship structures; for someone coming in blind, from our generally conservative mainstream with more defined relationship rules, we’re a minefield. I believe we all should be firm as to our own personal boundaries up front, so a new person doesn’t get in a fix with all the mixed signals.

I believe that newbies entering ANY new social structure, especially religious or spiritually related, are coming into it with the idea that they want to fit in but have no idea what they’re dealing with yet. They’re going to be very self-conscious, self-judgmental, etc. Being hypersensitive about not wanting to misstep often leads to exactly that. Those of us with children understand this even more; any kid who knows they are in a situation where they need to “be on their best behavior” inevitably ends up at some point dropping/breaking something, or otherwise creating for themselves a socially embarrassing incident. It’s up to us, in the role of those comfortable with the environment, to gently but firmly help others overcome and do better while not treading on their dignity or self-respect.

This doesn’t mean that the “unconditional love and tolerance for all” is in play; if someone is truly a jerk or an actual danger to the community, it should be addressed. But it needs to be done in a way that does not end up ostracizing a good person based on personal bias. You are NOT required to like or accept everyone, even if they are in the same social community; just be astute about how you handle it.

9/11 - Why I Remember

There's been a run of 9/11 material on my FB timeline today. I don't know if any more will be posted, but today is my day to mourn. September 11, 2001 was my Kennedy assassination-level punch to the gut. Time has softened the blow, but don't tell me to "get over it." You simply adjust to the new reality; the world you knew before, and the impact of after.

As a parent, knowing my older daughter was starting her freshman year on the same campus as the Bush daughters, which potentially put her in danger, was frighteningly real and scary. My younger daughter was 5, not understanding why her parents were just sitting and crying in front of the TV that evening and for days afterwards. Even I was startled at the intensity of my own reaction. But then, nothing like this had ever happened in my life thus far that was so very, very life-altering on a national scale.

Today is not about politics, or conspiracies, or anything else. It's about something that was intensely personal; and at least for a time, about the shining moments of people helping each other, reaching out and connecting to others that they would not normally have done. It was about the American spirit rising up, the hidden soul of the country, that I have always had faith was there even amongst the conflict and turmoil of a (historically speaking) still-evolving new nation.

Sure, in time we all went back to our internal bickering, as dysfunctional families do. And the temporary swell of patriotic fervor was used to justify a vile act that will have long-term repercussions. But that is not what today is about.

I choose to remember, today, that moment in time when we all stood as one people, sharing a universal communal grief. As Joseph Campbell so eloquently stated, “Here was an enormous nation, made those four days into a unanimous community, all of us participating in the same way, simultaneously, in a single symbolic event…..It was the first and only thing of its kind in peacetime that has ever given me the sense of being a member of this whole national community, engaged as a unit in the observance of a deeply significant rite."

Goddess bless those who crossed the Veil that day; and those who survived and carried the experience with them. Goddess bless the responders who risked their lives, and who died in service to their community. Goddess bless those left behind; families and friends and a deeply grieving nation.

In their honor, remember what it felt like to put aside race, religion, and everything else that usually tends to divide us from each other. And then, do your best to keep that flame going wherever you are able. Sometimes we’ll succeed, sometimes we’ll falter. And that’s OK, as long as we pick ourselves up and keep going, keep trying. And ‪#‎NeverForget‬.